The purpose of this post is to learn how to deal with difficulties in relationships according to scripture, understand the root attitudes needed to tackle difficulties, and allow the difficulties to transform us into the new Christformed person God is making us.
Jesus said the greatest commandment is to love God and the second is to love others. This is the foundation and end of spiritual growth, spiritual formation and spiritual theology. So relationships are the most important element of Christianity! This means we should learn to master relationships and how to love people. Thus, relationship difficulties are our biggest testing ground and our biggest growth opportunity. This post looks at keys to dealing with the difficulties we have in relationships. Part 2 of this post is found here.
KEY ONE: Know your weaknesses.
We all have relationship weaknesses. If we can be honest about them we will be able to take them into account when confronting a relationship difficulty. In fact, I think that everyone leans towards one or two disorders such as depression, chronic anger, bipolar, anxiety/fear, addiction etc. If you are not sure then try finding a professional counselor who will give you the MMPI test. This will give you a good idea of your weaknesses. If you are not honest about your weaknesses, and if you are not working on them then how do you know how much of the difficulty is your fault?
KEY TWO: Know the other person’s weaknesses.
This is usually easier for us than the first key! Don’t overestimate their weaknesses or underestimate their weaknesses. Try to actually figure out what patterns they have and what disorder they lean towards. Study those patterns, do research, learn what helps people with those patterns, have compassion for them and determine to apply what you’ve learned when you interact with the other.
KEY THREE: Pray
Take time to present your situation to God. Tell Him you depend on Him for help and strength and you surrender your self and this situation to Him. Then present your thoughts and talk things over with God. Put yourself in a listening mode. Mull things over with God. This is what we see in the Psalms, which can be a good source for words if you can’t think of the words. Tell Him your feelings and your desires. When presenting this to God you can pray something like this: “God, this and this and this is happening, I don’t understand” or “I don’t know what to do”. Also, “What is this person feeling? What is their motivation? What are their beliefs?” Allow some times of silence. You can pray “I need your strength, please give me insights and wisdom as I work through this.”
KEY FOUR: Remember your role as an influencer
You have heard it said “You can’t change people.” Hopefully, people mean that you can’t make people change, but many people don’t understand it this way. Many people think they can’t be a channel of change for someone else, or they use that idea as an excuse to not even try because it seems like hard work. But of course we can change people in the sense that we can influence people. In fact, scripture repeatedly asks us to influence people! We are to express kindness to them even if they are an enemy (an “enemy” for the moment?), hoping that they will be affected and follow the Lord. Scripture teaches us to encourage and exhort people so they will be built up. Romans 12:7-8 “Let us give ourselves to service…he who exhorts, to his exhorting.” I Corinthians 14:26 “Let all things be done to build each other up.” Hebrews 10:24 “Let us consider how to provoke one another to love and good works.”
Ignore the idea that you can’t change people at all. This is a highly individualistic and escapist idea. We are meant to be channels of change for one another. I want others to influence me to change. And society doesn’t actually follow the idea that you can’t change people: you can find dozens of books on influencing others and how to improve relationships. The assumption is that something you do can change someone.
Thus, it is important to see yourself as God’s channel of change for the other. Your challenge is to learn how to do that in this relationship.
KEY FIVE: Get help!
How many times have you said “I wish I had learned that a long time ago?” Don’t forget to find people to help and support you. It is easy to tell ourself that you have worked on this issue for a long time but nothing has worked yet we have never humbled ourself to ask someone else for help. If you haven’t sought help then you haven’t truly worked on the issue, whether it is a habit, a relationship, or your pain.
So first get help from others by reading up on the matter. Next, talk to a close friend you can confide in and ask for a listening ear and for encouragement. Then ask for advice. You can find many verses in Proverbs about listening to counsel. Proverbs 19:20 states “Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise.” Next, seek out an expert. This may be a pastor, a lay counselor, a life coach, a spiritual director, or a professional counselor. These people make it their job to find a way to help people through issues; you will learn much from them.
KEY SIX: Empathize and Listen
Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Hopefully you prayed for God to help you do this. If you want to influence the other person then you need to know what is motivating them, good or bad. Spend some quiet time imagining what it is like to be them and interact with you. If possible, try to imagine their youth and what they have had to go through. And when you are with them: listen. As you know listening is the sign that you are putting yourself aside and focusing on the other. Listening demonstrates fruits of the Spirit: love, patience, kindness, gentleness, self-control, and humility. (See Galatians 5 and Colossians 3.)
Read through our infographic on empathy: Empathy
Then comes the real test. At the right time, express to them that you value them and their feelings (even if you are thinking that they don’t make sense to you.) Say something like “I’m sorry that is happening, I know that must be painful/disappointing/frustrating.” Or “It makes sense that you are feeling that way.” Valuing someone’s negative feelings is one the most generous things you can do for someone. Consider you own feelings and how much you appreciate it when someone expresses that they understand them. Even when you know your feelings don’t make sense you want someone to understand and care.
Where do Christians get the idea that empathy is so important? From Jesus. His incarnation was the ultimate act of empathy. He became one of us and came to feel what we feel. He understood all our temptations and sinfulness. Yet He was not judgmental because our distress was often due to our own sin, rather He expressed kindness and understanding to those who came to him and he tried to influence people to find the better way.
So keep expressing empathy until the other person gets it, until they believe that you do care about their condition and what they are feeling. In this way you will be dying to your old self and letting the Spirit grace you with the virtues of Jesus.
Part 2 of this post is found here.
