One of the most important elements of loving people is listening well. For me, this is a skill that always has room for improvement, but it is worth the effort and discipline because often it is the one thing that tells someone I care. In other words, it is essential to Christian love and Kingdom community. How we listen is a great indicator of how much we value relationships. The challenge is that listening involves death to self and a commitment to someone else’s well-being.
When I talk, I love it when I can see someone is really listening and considering what I am saying, so that is the least I can do for others when they speak. Listening well is one of the most important ways of making someone feel valued. True listening may be one of the highest of virtues, but many people are very weak in their listening skills, and unfortunately, leaders are especially prone to being poor listeners (unless they are introverts).
Here are some tips for listening mostly from the book Interpersonal Communication by Julia Wood (Thomson, 2007). Remember that these tips are much easier said than done. Understanding them is much different from mastering them. It helps me to think of listening as a spiritual discipline and consciously apply myself to practicing it, especially in the heat of a conversation when I really want to express my ideas, which causes me to neglect what someone is saying. It is okay to express my ideas, but not if it interferes with my listening.
7 Tips for Listening
1. Do not focus on your thoughts, ideas, plans, and concerns, so you can be open to the other person.
2. Remind yourself that your goal is to show Christlike love by listening well.
3. Concentrate on the person with whom you are interacting. Say to yourself, “I want to focus on this person and on what she or he is feeling and thinking.”
4. If you find yourself mentally framing responses to the other person, try to push those aside; they interfere with your concentration on the other person’s words.
5. If your mind wanders, don’t criticize yourself; that’s distracting. Instead, gently refocus on the person you are with and on what that person is communicating to you. It’s natural for other thoughts to intrude, so just push them away and stay focused on the other person.
6. Let the other person know you are attending mindfully; give nonverbal responses (nods, facial expressions), ask questions to encourage elaboration, and maintain eye contact.
7. Evaluate how mindfully you listened. Did you understand the other person’s thoughts and feelings? Did you feel more focused on that person than you usually do when you listen to others?
How well do you practice these ideas now? How do you want to improve? What commitment will you make now?
