I know it’s popular for Christian and secular counselors to say that others aren’t responsible for our happiness. But the fact is, they are. Not completely, but partly. That’s why Jesus and His apostles taught us to live in community. We are all partly responsible for others’ happiness. Much, if not most, of the teachings on relationships in the New Testament begin with the assumption that we affect others’ happiness. Scripture instructs us to “encourage each other” (Heb. 10:25). 2 Corinthians 1:4 teaches: “Who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” We are responsible to bring comfort and encouragement to others, which are elements of happiness. Many other passages could be cited to support this. That is why the popular teaching about happiness is dangerously mistaken.
If we believe that others are not responsible for our happiness, then it follows that we are not responsible for others’ happiness. If we do something hurtful, then it is their responsibility to respond properly so they are not unhappy. They should be able to shield their happiness from our harm. But this is not biblical, or even psychologically sensible. We have all done things that harm the happiness of others, even if they try to respond properly. For example, if I constantly verbally abuse my wife it affects her happiness and I am responsible for that. James 3:5 (ESV) states: ” So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire!” In other words, we can start fires in others’ souls, which means that we are damaging their happiness.
The teaching that others are not responsible for my wife’s happiness puts all the burden on her to create her own happiness. For example, one popular Christian counselor who is otherwise very good recommends the following teaching for a spouse: “I take sole responsibility for my beliefs with the understanding that they, not you, determine my emotions, words, thoughts and actions. Thus I lift from you the burden of being responsible for any of my ultimate life quality.” Of course, the counselor is trying to get the spouse to have reasonable expectations of their mate, but the author goes too far and states a dangerous principle. Instead, I must realize that my spouse can do things that partly determine my emotions and thoughts; I am not an independent machine. I cannot completely shield myself from my spouse’s harm and my spouse cannot completely shield herself from my harm. It is irresponsible to take the position that my spouse is the only one responsible for her happiness, so I am absolved of responsibility.
Thus, the biggest problem with the principle is that it can serve as an excuse for my behavior. I can tell myself that I am not responsible for others’ happiness. They must create it on their own. We are all independent happiness managers for ourselves. This directly contradicts what Jesus taught about loving one another.
You can probably see that the teaching comes from American/Western hyper-individualism and from the secular idea that each individual is their own “god”. If you walked into a small African village and announced that everyone is responsible for their own happiness they would look at you like you had lost your senses. They understand that it is obvious that everyone is responsible for each other’s happiness.
It is true that we do need to be responsible for the portion of our happiness within our control. But we also need to realize that we all affect each other’s happiness and we are responsible for that. Healthy relationships depend on mutuality, and our life quality is much influenced by others. We should be careful about our expectations but not fool ourselves that others don’t affect us much, or that we are somehow not responsible for improving the life quality of those close to us. In other words, to do get taken in by the popular notion that everyone is the sole human determinant of their own happiness; instead, learn to think in terms of the community that God intended for humans.
Do you think in terms of the idea that you are partly responsible for the happiness of others? Do you take responsibility for this and act properly? Or, do you assume that others just need to learn to deflect your hurtful actions and be impervious to them?
