It is helpful to remember the basics of thoughtful speech. We should look people in the eyes, smile or have a positive facial expression, present a welcoming physical posture, be aware of their emotional state before we respond, watch carefully for their reactions, don’t be suspicious, use “I” language to express yourself, listen carefully and try to understand their thoughts, and ask clarifying questions.
When we speak we want others to give weight to our words. Likewise, when others speak we honor them by giving weight to their words. They are expressing themselves, and even if they are doing it poorly we display how much God values them by considering their words and trying to understand them better. We are Jesus’ ears for them. Giving weight to others’ words is often the most important element of Christformed communication.
Part of valuing others’ words is responding accurately. Our words should fit well with what they said. Have we responded in a way that shows respect for their effort at communication? If they ask a question do we respond to their actual words or do we respond to what we think they should have said or asked? It is easy to let our own thoughts block out a response that makes the other one feel heard. Sometimes we forget to state our obvious agreement with someone and they are left wondering if we really do agree. We fear that we will forget our thoughts so we forget to express affirmation.
When someone doesn’t respond accurately to your words do you look forward to talking with them again? Do you trust someone who doesn’t listen to you well? Likewise, if we don’t respect others’ words they will not be too excited about conversing with us or trusting us. Words are the rain and sun of friendships; they make them grow.
Similarly, when you speak it is important to express yourself accurately. This means taking a second to find words that clarify anything that might be confusing. If you talk too much, are careless with your words or don’t communicate clearly then people will avoid conversing with you. How many people will go through the struggle of trying to figure out what you are saying or trying to figure out if you are saying anything worthwhile? Some marriages never grow because one spouse never makes an effort to express accurately and respond accurately. Making an effort to communicate well demonstrates that you care about the listener. In other words, you are fulfilling the second great commandment to love others.
