Shame can be described as a sense of embarrassment, dishonor, disgrace or inadequacy. These feelings come from something you did or thought that contradicts what you believe to be good or valuable (this is essentially guilt which is a precursor to shame). Just the fact that we fall short of our own standards of good produces shame in all of us. We want to hide our weakness from others because we want them to value us. This is why it is normal for people to display their best self to others, which probably helps society stay civilized. But we also naturally display a false self in many situations, which keeps us from truly connecting with others.
We use our false self to cover up our shame, for example, pretending that we have our life all together when actually we are broken or struggling. It takes time, but we need to let go of our false self. As we defeat shame in our lives it becomes easier to put off the false self because we don’t have self rejection to cover up. As we let go of more false self we can develop stronger relationships with God and others. The kingdom community then becomes stronger.
Shame generally causes you to believe that you have less value. If you allow this belief to continue then you will live with a sense that you aren’t worth very much, at least in the area of your shame feelings. In other words, if you don’t deal with your shame in the healthy and loving way God intends, then you will be crippled in that area. The shame becomes self-rejection which blocks yourself and your connections with others.
Your belief that you aren’t worth as much contradicts what God says about you. He says you are His child, beloved, chosen by Him, and citizens of the Kingdom of God, among many other titles. We should believe the same thing about ourselves that our Heavenly Father does. Remember Romans 8:1-2: “Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death.”
Rejecting yourself doesn’t necessarily mean that you are consciously thinking that God doesn’t love you. You just might have a general mindset that you aren’t worth very much. Perhaps this started in your childhood because of the way you were treated. In any case, that mindset will make it very difficult to experience God’s love or anyone else’s love, including anyone you might marry. And you might find yourself puzzled as to why you can’t experience love. Your self-rejection might even be buried so deeply that you are only dimly aware of it, if at all.
Applying this to our relationship with God, unresolved shame will make it hard to believe God loves you and accepts you as you are. So it will be very difficult for God’s love to flow into you because you are blocking it. And you need to have an awareness of God’s love in order for your life to truly change. For how can you love God and others unless you have some sense that God loves you? This doesn’t mean you have to feel it but just that you have a general belief that God loves you as you are.
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