Today we continue with our big question, how can I improve my relationship? In the previous post we looked at the importance of knowing each other’s weaknesses and prayer.
KEY FOUR: Remember your role as an influencer
You have heard it said “You can’t change people.” Hopefully, people who say that mean that you can’t make people change, but many people don’t understand it this way. Many people think they can’t be a channel of change for someone else, or they use that idea as an excuse not to even try because it seems like hard work. But of course we can change people in the sense that we can influence people. In fact, scripture repeatedly asks us to influence people! We are to express kindness to them even if they are an enemy (an “enemy” for the moment?), hoping that they will be affected and follow the Lord. Scripture also teaches us to encourage and exhort people so they will be built up. Romans 12:7-8 states, “Let us give ourselves to service…he who exhorts, to his exhorting.” I Corinthians 14:26 states, “Let all things be done to build each other up.” Hebrews 10:24 states, “Let us consider how to provoke one another to love and good works.”
Ignore the idea that you can’t change people at all. This is a highly individualistic and escapist idea. We are meant to be channels of change for one another; this is an important way of loving others. I want others to influence me to change. In reality, our society doesn’t actually embrace the idea that you can’t change people: you can find thousands of books on influencing others and how to improve relationships. The internet is full of influencers. The assumption behind all these efforts is that you can change someone.
Thus, it is important to see yourself as God’s channel of change for the other. Your challenge is to learn how to do that in the relationship you are trying to improve. Ask yourself, how can I influence them in good ways that honor God.
KEY FIVE: Get help!
How many times have you said, “I wish I had learned that a long time ago?” If you had sought out a good counselor you may have learned it in time to avoid the problems. Don’t forget to find people to help and support you. It is easy to tell ourselves that we have worked on this issue for a long time but nothing has worked; yet, have we humbled ourselves to ask someone else for help? If you haven’t sought help then you haven’t truly worked on the issue, whether it is a habit, a relationship, or your pain.
In order to solve a relationship issue, start by reading up on the matter. Talk to a close friend you can confide in who will listen well and encourage you. Then ask for their advice. You can find many verses in Proverbs about listening to counsel. Proverbs 19:20 states “Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise.” Also, seek out an expert. This may be a pastor, a lay counselor, a life coach, a spiritual director, or a professional counselor. These people make it their job to find a way to help people through issues; you will learn much from them.
KEY SIX: Empathize and Listen
Get in the habit of putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. Ask God to help you do this. If you want to influence the other person, then you need to know what motivates them, good or bad. Spend some quiet time imagining what it is like to be them and interact with you. If possible, try to imagine their youth and what they have had to go through. And when you are with them, listen. As you know listening is the sign that you are putting yourself aside and focusing on the other. Listening demonstrates fruits of the Spirit: love, patience, kindness, gentleness, self-control, and humility. (See Galatians 5 and Colossians 3.)
Read through our brief explanation of empathy: Empathy
Then comes the real test. At the right time, express to them that you value them and their feelings (even if you are thinking that they don’t make sense to you.) Say something like “I’m sorry that is happening, I know that must be painful/disappointing/frustrating.” Or “It makes sense that you are feeling that way.” Valuing someone’s negative feelings is one of the most generous things you can do for someone. Consider your own feelings and how much you appreciate it when someone expresses that they understand them. Even when you know your feelings don’t make sense you want someone to understand and care.
Where do Christians get the idea that empathy is so important? From Jesus. His incarnation was the ultimate act of empathy. He became one of us and came to feel what we feel. He understood all our temptations and sinfulness. Yet he was not judgmental that people’s distress is often due to their own sin; rather, he expressed kindness and understanding to those who came to him and he tried to influence them to find the better way.
So keep expressing empathy until the other person senses it, until they believe that you do care about their condition and what they are feeling. In this way you will be dying to your old self and letting the Spirit grace you with the virtues of Jesus.
Have you learned how to influence the other person in a kind way? Have you sought out help with issues in your relationship? Have you learned how to express the idea that you value their feelings?
Next time we will continue with our question, how can I improve my relationship?
