This is the last of four posts that answer the question, How can I improve my relationship? In the first post we looked at the importance of knowing each other’s weaknesses and prayer. In the second post in this series we looked at being an influencer, finding good counsel and learning to listen and empathize. In the third post we looked at being courageous and developing sensitive conversation skills. Here are the final three of the 12 ways to do this.
KEY 10: Let go of control and outcome.
One of the biggest problems in relationships is trying to control outcomes when we don’t need to. For example, in conversations we might try to make sure that they agree with us or that the conversation ends with the result we want. Or we might try to control their actions and get stressed or angry when we can’t.
Thus, it is important to ask yourself if you really need to control the outcome. Usually you don’t, and you can just present your thoughts or feelings and let them decide. The impact of their disagreement is usually not that serious; sometimes it is just a matter of a bruised ego. Embrace the feeling of letting them disagree; this tells them that you respect their view. You don’t need to be their adversary or get angry.
Maybe they will disagree at first, but after thinking about your words they will agree with you; they just needed time to absorb a different idea. Or maybe they will continue to disagree and they will emotionally detach for a while. But you don’t have to let that create great fear; you need to be willing to feel separated for a while. You can’t develop a solid relationship if you have to constantly be in agreement on important matters. Otherwise, you will always be trying to make sure neither of you does anything that might make you feel separated. Ask yourself, how can I improve my relationship, and you will be able to focus on the longer-term process of letting disagreements lead to a stronger bond.
KEY 11: Forgive.
Forgiveness is essential for healthy relationships. Relationships become weaker and weaker as each one holds more grudges or hard feelings against the other. And sometimes we think we have forgiven when we really haven’t. Remember that the bigger the offense, the more time you need to spend on forgiveness. For a guide to thorough and deep forgiveness see our page on GUIDE TO HEALING PAST HURTS .
Here are some basic steps of forgiveness. It is usually best to do this on your own and to directly with the other person, unless they are unusually open to sensitive words that would hurt their feelings.
- Remember:
- what they did,
- how it hurt you,
- all your emotions,
- how it affected you, especially throughout your life,
- what your expectations and desires were of them, and how they broke them
- Name each thing they did as a sin or offense (i.e. destructive) unless it clearly wasn’t. This can be hard but remember you are not judging them, you are just being honest about what they did. Also, sometimes we are not sure if they really committed the offense we think they did, but we are still holding hard feelings toward them. This still needs to be “forgiven”.
- Forgive them from the heart. It is not enough to forgive with your words; it needs to come from your heart. You will probably want to wait a couple of minutes for this attitude of the heart to rise up in you. Remember that we want others to forgive us for our wrongs, so we need to forgive them. Remember that in Matthew 6:14-15 Jesus said if you do not forgive the sins of others, your Father will not forgive your sins! There are many other scriptures that tell us to forgive.
- Ask forgiveness from them for any way you have hurt them because of your actions and unforgiveness. This can be hard too, but it is very healing for a relationship.
KEY 12: Give Safety and Value.
The strongest human desires are the desires for safety and value. People want to be physically and emotionally safe, and they want others to value them. Even if a person knows their emotions are off base they still want to know that they are valued in spite of what they are feeling. David expressed all his fears and struggles to God in the Psalms knowing his emotions weren’t reflecting complete faith, but there is no hint that God valued David less.
Likewise, we need to present an atmosphere of safety and value in our relationships. First, put it in your heart that you are a safe place for the other and that you value them, regardless of their faults. Putting this in your heart will change the atmosphere you create, even if you don’t realize it. Then, start using words that communicate those two ideas. This will move their heart to open up and you can start connecting at a deeper level.
In this relationship you are trying to improve, are you letting go of control of the other and control of exactly how it turns out? Have you forgiven all their offenses from your heart? Do they feel safe and valued around you?
This concludes our series answering the question, how can I improve my relationship?
