The 6th-century Celtic nun St. Brigid is reported to have said that “A person without a soul-friend is a body without a head.”[1] No matter how much status we have in the body of Christ we are to develop interdependence with some believers and express our need for them.
In a godly relationship we go beyond encouraging and affirming one another in Christ. If it ended there it would become narcissistic for both, easily devolving into boosting each other’s self-esteem and just pleasing each other instead of pleasing God. Rather, since our top priority is pleasing God, it means that we help our friend to become like Christ and invite them to do the same to us. “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another” (Prov. 27:17, NIV). We are secure in the friendship, so we are free to help each other to die to self. We point out corruption and point them to abiding in Christ. We speak the “truth in love” so that we “grow up in . . . Christ” (Eph. 4:15, ESV).
We also need to be careful about who we befriend. Some believers are not edifying or even safe as close friends. One key indicator is whether they are committed to Christformation. Do they want to change? Everyone has their faults that impact and damage relationships, and you may have already suffered harm from those faults. A soul friend needs to be concerned about the way their faults might impact you.
Is your prospective soul friend willing to admit their faults? Are they willing to admit they still have a lot of Christformation ahead of them? If not, then it is almost certain they will not change soon. Such people don’t usually change unless they must. What kind of relationship can you have with someone who isn’t honest and humble? How are you going to help Christform each other if your friend won’t discuss issues that affect your relationship with them and their relationship with God? Do they just want someone who will sooth them but not challenge them?
They may be friendly and cheerful in general and honored in their congregation but without an effective commitment to change how likely is it that you will be Christforming each other as we see in the Scripture on needing the support of God’s family? Should we give such people a large portion of our time and heart? These same questions apply to choosing a spouse or a pastor or a Christian academic mentor or anyone who will have substantial impact on our spiritual life. God directs us to love and forgive all people, but we need to be selective when looking for a soul friend.
[1] See Philip Sheldrake, Spirituality: A Brief History, 2nd ed. (Malden, MA: Wiley-Blackwell, 2013) ,70.
