To build healthy relationships it is important to examine the issue of anxiety in our communication. No matter what type of conversation we are in, it will be very helpful to make ourselves aware of any anxiety we are feeling. Signs of anxiety include stuttering, incomplete sentences, hurried speech and being at a loss for words. Anxiety is a warning light that something is out of order. Most of us feel anxiety in conversations because of insecurity about ourselves and about how others are perceiving us. When our words are influenced by anxiety we cannot be our true selves nor can we connect very well with the listener. Have you noticed that when you are speaking with someone who is insecure it is more work to communicate and more stressful for you? Their fears are veiling their true selves. Likewise, our anxiety puts extra pressure on the listener and hinders their ability to connect to us. Thus, if we want to connect with others and let God’s goodness flow through us it will be important to root out anxiety. To do this, we need to take time to trace the anxiety back to its roots and address those roots.
Since insecurity is the most common reason for anxiety it is helpful to reflect on our insecurity. Insecurity often leads to shyness and avoidance so that we don’t speak words that connect us with others. But insecurity can also lead to self-centered communication because we might focus on winning affirmation or approval for ourselves. By speaking from insecurity we are making the conversation about ourselves more than the listener. Shyness and avoidance is a form of self-centeredness because our world becomes focused on ourselves and our emotional safety so we hide from others. And when we are approval-seeking we are filling our valuation void with selfish attempts to affirm ourselves or even win glory for ourselves. We have all done this to some extent; we all do foolish things to get approval.
In order to defeat anxiety, we can begin by reminding ourselves that security and affirmation come from God first and then from people. Repeat verses about God’s love for you. Anxiety is often rooted in a lack of faith in God’s declarations about us so it will probably be helpful to pinpoint where we need to embrace deeper faith in his declarations. It will also be helpful to meditate on relevant Scripture and choose deep faith in them. As we do this, we need to reject the influence of contrary feelings, assuming that we have dealt with root issues. Our old feeling habits can sabotage our efforts.
It may also help to take some time to ask Jesus what he wants to do about your desire for approval. Tell him any specifics about your desire, how you have struggled for approval in the past, then ask him what his thoughts are about this issue. Wait in silence until you sense something from him. He may give you an impression or speak directly to your heart and give you an affirmation for you to dwell on and absorb. You can also use this exercise for insecurities or any anxieties where it would help to know God’s thoughts about you. For that matter, you can use this to hear his thoughts about fulfilling any of the legitimate desires he puts in human hearts.
In order to make progress, it is important to develop the habit of automatically notifying your conscious mind when anxiety has crept in. Learn to become aware of when you are feeling anxiety in your body, then consciously relax your body. Let the anxiety pass through your heart and refocus your inner gaze on Jesus and your security in him. This preserves the health of your communication. It allows you to ignore fears and take initiative with others. Instead of thinking defensively and hoping you don’t get hurt you can think offensively and focus on what you can do, and what God can do, for others. If you are not sure about the root of your anxiety, then it would be good to make a mental note of that so you can explore it later.
