Last week we began to look at the problems of shame and self-rejection. This week we will look at specific steps for healing these areas. In general, the process begins by finding solitude (or find someone to guide you) for at least an hour. Then you ask God to reveal any self-rejection and then open your heart and mind and be aware of anything that comes. Then view yourself at a time or times in your life. Reflect on how you view yourself. Then when self-rejection comes up then you nullify it by accepting yourself as you are. The specific steps are as follows are below, but this is only half of the process. Next week we will present the remainder.
Preparation: It will be best to set aside at least an hour in silence and solitude. Please be certain about being in a place of silence without interruptions. It would be best to have someone else sit with you and guide you through this process because it is notoriously difficult. If no one is available then please be patient with the process. Also, please find one or two people who will pray for you before you go through it.
WARNING! Do not relive a trauma. Do not make yourself go through a substantial trauma in your memory. This can retraumatize you. If you are in a memory you should wait until after any traumatic event to talk to the offender and do forgiveness.
As you go through this guide keep your eyes closed except when you need to read these instructions. This will help you stay in the process and not avoid it. Also, when you pray or talk please do it out loud. It has more impact. Finally, let your emotions flow naturally; this helps to release pain which enhances forgiveness and healing. However, if you start to feel like you are mentally or emotionally breaking then you should stop and find someone who is experienced with this process to guide you. Don’t forget to adjust the process to fit your situation where it seems appropriate.
Step 1: Close your eyes and let the concerns of the day fade away. Sit in a relaxed position and rest your mind. Find an image you can think about to help you rest. Some might think of the sky; others might picture themselves sitting by a river watching the river flow by.
Step 2: Ask God to remind you of any times in your life when shame or self-rejection came over you. Wait a few minutes silently while you give God a chance to do this. If you are picturing yourself sitting by a river you may ask God to put something in the river to remind you of a memory. Then calmly watch to see what floats by. Remember to keep your eyes closed. Once you have a beginning point, continue to move through the events until the shame or self-rejection is clear and you see the offender. Ask God to clarify the memory.
If no memory comes then try to recall the earliest time in your life when you may have had self-rejection. Then recall a place where you would go to relax. Use this place for the following steps.
Step 3: Question yourself out loud about the thoughts you have about your earlier self. Questions may include: “What do you think about him/her? Do you like him/her? Would you want him/her to hang around you? Would you want to be friends? What he/she think of him/her self?” “What is he/she missing in their heart?” “Is he/she allowed to have their normal emotions?”
In general, you are trying to discover negative thoughts, beliefs and judgments you may have made against your younger self. Common negative thoughts and feelings toward the child are: “I think he/she isn’t worth very much;” “I think that he/she is mean, stupid, or selfish and I cannot tolerate the thought of having him/her around,” “I think he/she is dirty;” “No one cares about him/her.” Emotions commonly show at this time.
This includes the rejection of any normal part of your younger self such as negative or positive emotions! Be very aware of whether you cut off the emotions of the child in the past since this is debilitating. Also, if your parent rejected your younger self’s emotions (or any other part of the child) then your younger self may have rejected their own emotions (or any other part that the parent rejected.)
If you only have positive thoughts about your younger self then ask yourself “What are his/her weaknesses or shortcomings?” Also, “What does he/she need?”
If you still don’t get any negative thoughts or indications of self-rejection you can ask your younger self to describe what he/she thinks of him/herself. You can also ask your younger self what he/she thinks of you. (If your younger self has a grudge against you then you will need to let your younger self go through the process of forgiving you at this point. Help your younger self through the Guide to Deep Forgiveness in the chapter on loving and forgiving all people.) Try to get your younger self to express his/her heart.
Hopefully, by now you have an idea of some indications of self-rejection. If not, but you are convinced that there is self-rejection, then try to find an experienced person who can help you.
Step 4: Express your negative thoughts and feelings to your younger self. First, ask yourself why you think or feel those things about the child if it isn’t already obvious. This will help you know what happened in your past and thus what needs to be addressed. Also, this will help you know whether you believe the child committed some sins, or whether the problem is mostly with someone who hurt the child, or whether both issues are present.
Once you know why you have the negative thoughts and feelings, in other words, why you carry self-rejection toward yourself then describe your negative thoughts and feelings to your younger self and explain why you have those negative thoughts and feelings. For example, “when you took off your clothes in front of the other children I thought you were dirty and I didn’t respect you after that.” Or, “when you let your babysitter touch you inappropriately, I didn’t like you anymore.” Or, “I always thought you were stupid because dad kept calling your stupid.” Or, “I didn’t want you to have negative emotions because mom always yelled at you when you cried.”
The next step will be to begin to forgive and accept yourself which we will describe next week. Over the next week, after you have expressed your thoughts and feelings of self-rejection begin to ask God for a heart of forgiveness and acceptance. Next week and the week following we will look at the remaining steps.
Thank you for writing this article. It made, or it helped, me to cry, in expressing an emotion..