GUIDES TO HEALING PAST DAMAGE

Renovation Prayer – Healing Past Damage and Shame

Most people have experienced substantial pain from others and it is important to do deep forgiveness. Further below on this page is a guide to forgiveness. You may also download the following more complete guides to healing past hurts and to healing self-rejection/shame. The two downloadable guides are very thorough and highly recommended. The guide that is written out on this page below focuses only on the forgiveness portion, but that is usually the most important step. The Renovation Prayer guide addresses several issues of the soul and can be life-changing.

Many people have experienced substantial shame which developed into various forms of self-rejection. For example, it is common to cut off one’s emotions or parts of one’s personality because they do not like them. This must be reversed. The Guide to Healing Shame will help you do this.

Renovation Prayer/Guide to Deep Healing of Past Damage  – Google Doc

Guide to Healing Shame  – Google Doc

Team Healing Ministry

Renovation prayer can be done individually or with a team. It is much preferred to have a team but often one is not available. The format of Renovation prayer team ministry is a one and a half to two hour prayer time in which a team of three, waits for the Lord, to bring up in the prayee whatever memories need to be dealt with. We will do up to four prayer times. One will be the leader and the other two will pray, takes notes, and give written suggestions to the leader. Renovation prayer is not counseling; instead our guiding principle is that if the Lord does not come and do the work directly with the prayee then nothing will happen. One of Jesus’ names in Isaiah 9:6 is “Wonderful Counselor” so we believe that He really will do counseling!

Step by Step Guide to Healing Your Past Hurts Through Forgiveness or Release

This material is taken from the Renovation Prayer model above.

After the Lord’s prayer Jesus said that if we don’t forgive others then God won’t forgive us. It might be unclear how this principle works, but in any case it is very important to forgive. How can one become mature unless they know how to forgive? Many people were hurt growing up and have not gone through the deeper forgiveness process, but this is important for growth.

The purpose of this guide is to allow God to “operate” on your heart – to heal what has been broken and deal with any other barriers in your relationship with God. It would be great to have a team of people praying for you and taking you through this, in which case they can use these guidelines. You may use these guidelines to go through forgiveness on your own; however, if no progress occurs please find a team to pray for you.

We use memories to go through the forgiveness process because all forgiveness is based on memories. Even if someone hurt you a month ago, the only way you can forgive them is by recalling the event in your memory. And when you can’t forgive in person then you forgive them by remembering them in your mind.

Preparation
A. Find Solitude. Go to a place where there will be no interruptions, including no phone, children, etc.!

B. Allow at least one hour for this forgiveness session in the place of solitude.

C. Get in a physically relaxed position.

D. Please read through all the steps before starting then glance at it as you follow it step by step.

E. Suggested prayers are not formulas! Feel free to put them in your own words and expand on them if you want to, but don’t soften them.

F. You do not necessarily have to take the steps in order; the Lord may take you wherever He wants to go – just go with His flow! Eventually you should come back and go through all the steps to make sure God has an opportunity to do all He wants to do.

G. Keep your eyes closed the entire time (with brief exceptions)! This will minimize distractions.

H. All your praying or talking should be out loud!

PLEASE BE AWARE:
A. It may take several sessions to get through the process. Generally, the bigger the offense against you the longer it takes. You may have to go through the process again at a later time.
B. Often people feel worse in the middle of the process! Please don’t let this bother you too much. The reason for this is that God is surfacing pain, anger, etc., that has been buried and now you are feeling it. If you have been suicidal or considered suicide, then please do not go through this guide without oversight by a professional counselor.
C. If at any point you feel like you are too overwhelmed by what is happening, or you feel like you are going to “break emotionally”, then please stop and find an experienced prayer team to pray for you and an experienced counselor with whom you can talk.
D. Please keep in relationship with at least one or two good friends (for example, a spouse) and let them know what you are going through. Confess your heart to them as well as to God. Remind your spouse that you may be moody or irritable until the process is complete.

PART 1: Finding the Hurt

A. Ask the Lord to bring up a memory, or emotion that He wants to deal with. Don’t search your past. Relax and picture the sky, or Jesus, or whatever is restful. Wait for as long as it takes.

B. If you have come with a strong memory already on your heart, then it is okay to proceed with that memory, if you think that is what the Lord wants to deal with.

C. If “B” does not apply, then continue to wait until a memory or emotion comes. At first you probably won’t know whether it is from the Lord, but go ahead and let your heart “fall” into it. If it is an emotion then just let it keep coming until a memory comes. Sometimes people just get an impression that sticks out which leads them to where God is going.

D. If nothing comes, keep waiting! Unconfessed sin can block this process so be aware of any conviction of sin in your heart, then confess and repent.

E. If it is an emotion or impression that comes, then talk to the Lord about it, out loud, from your heart. Ask questions! Listen. Let Him teach you what He wants to teach you, or take you where He wants to take you. Eventually He will probably take you to a memory, but this may or may not happen at the first session.

F. Once a memory comes, do not be an objective observer of the memory, rather be in the memory at the time of the event. You will be looking through your eyes at the age you were in the memory. It will help you to “get into” the memory if you ask the Lord to remind you of the physical details of the place of the memory; for example, what color is the house? What objects are in the room? What do your five senses sense? The advantage of being in the memory is that it keeps you from distancing yourself from it. When you are in the memory, it is easier to remember and be connected to the truth about it.

G. The memory may seem insignificant at first – for example a toy you used to play with – but just let it flow. Sometimes the Lord will take you through a series of memories until you arrive at a place of hurt.

H. Let the memory(ies) or scene flow until you arrive at a place where you sense some hurt. If you seem stuck, ask the Lord to keep working, and opening up your heart, and taking you to the place of hurt.

PART 2: Forgiveness

A. The place of hurt usually involves some person who hurt you. (It could even be God or yourself!) You may have already forgiven this person, perhaps even face to face. However, if the Lord has brought you here and you can still feel some hurt, then there is probably a deeper level of forgiveness that needs to happen. This guide is used when it is not practical or wise to talk to the offender face to face about the way they hurt you.

B. In your memory face the person who hurt you (the “offender”) and look them in the eyes. This may be difficult. You may ask Jesus for help if you need it. If at any point you feel like your emotions are overwhelming you and could cause trauma to you then stop this whole process. It would be wise to find a counselor who has experience with your issues and ask them to help you.

C. If you feel unsafe, ask Jesus to make you safe and wait until you feel safer.

D. Tell them in detail what they did to you that hurt you. This is partly to help you be realistic about what they did. Often we downplay what an offender did and how it affected us. But it is hard to fully forgive something if you don’t fully believe it happened. Sometimes stating what they did out loud brings up buried emotions.
Always talk out loud when you are talking to the offender! Remember to do this partly from your point of view at the time. Thus, if you were 5 years old then you should be saying it partly from the point of view of a 5-year-old, even if your perceptions may have been wrong then.
It’s important to forgive based on your viewpoint unless you know for sure it was wrong, in which case it’s good to tell the offender you thought they wronged you but you were mistaken. Then tell them you release them and forgive anything and apologize for holding unforgiveness towards them. If you don’t know if you were mistaken then keep going through these steps. After you are done it might become clear if you were mistaken. Ask God to help you know.

E. Tell them what your expectations were of them. For example, if your mother always put you down, you might tell her “Mom, I really expected you to be caring and encouraging, I needed someone who would say positive things about me….”

F. Tell them how it made you feel. For example: angry, scared, worthless, etc. Take your time and tell them each feeling you had. Ask God to help you feel your emotions and express them. Wait for them to come up.
Once the emotions have come up, start freely expressing your heart to the offender with all the emotions you have. Do not be afraid to be angry, hurt, sad, etc. And don’t beat yourself up if you find yourself swearing. But don’t let yourself go into a rage. That is not helpful. Keep anger at a moderate level; if it spikes then bring it back down. Yet still be honest about how you feel when talking to the offender. Remember that expressing your pain is part of the healing; David did this often in the Psalms.

G. If you have not felt strong emotions yet, then wait and ask the Lord to bring up the emotion that you should have felt at the time of the hurt. Keep waiting until the emotions come up.
(Note: If the emotions do not come up then there is probably a problem with shame or self-hatred. This means that you will have to go through the forgiveness process on yourself. Healing shame or self-rejection can have a huge positive impact on your life. Many people experience a dramatic change in their life and relationship with God after healing shame. Please go back to Step A of Part 1 and go through the steps all over again but this time the “offender” is yourself. It might feel a little strange at first but since we hold grudges against ourselves, we need to forgive ourselves. Here are some additional tips:

– Ask the Lord to help you remember a key event in your life (it is usually from your childhood so I will use the word “child” for the remainder of this) when you did not like yourself. Often this is a time when someone else abused you and you felt dislike for yourself afterwards.
– Confess to yourself as a child the areas of dislike and ask forgiveness.
– Also extend forgiveness to the child for any other faults they have and any sins they committed. You need to forgive the child because you are holding a grudge against the child.
– Tell the child you love and accept them.
– Remind the child that Jesus has forgiven them and He loves and accepts them. Tell the child that they are clean.
– Invite the self that you just forgave to fully become a part of you. Wait until you feel this happen. You may have to do this later if you are not ready.

Shame or self-hatred can surface at any time during the deep healing process; when it does, please go through the process just described as soon as you are able. If shame or self-hatred is a big issue then you will probably not be able to truly forgive and receive healing in others areas until the shame or self-hatred is dealt with because it creates a powerful barrier. (If you cannot get through this process of healing shame or self-hatred, then you may need to find a prayer team or professional counselor who has experience with it.)

H. As you pour out your heart, eventually tell them how what they did to you affected your life after that time, for example, “…because of what you did I have never really felt that I could accomplish anything in life…”

I. Tell them what you wanted from them in place of the hurts they inflicted, for example, “Dad, I just wanted you to love me and accept me as I am…” This is similar to expressing your expectations; it is okay if they overlap.

J. After you have expressed all that is in your heart go back over the list of hurts they committed and name them as sins or wrongs. This may be a very difficult step because children do not easily think of their parents as sinners. However, this step is critical! If you do not fully realize that their actions were sins you will not fully understand that it needs to be forgiven and, therefore, you will not be able to fully forgive them. Do not make excuses for their sins anymore than you would for your own. Specifically state each sin, or type of sin, and say to the offender “it was a sin for you to …”

K. After you have done this, wait a little while for your emotions to run their course, then, assuming you want to forgive them (which you need to do at some point to be healed), ask the Lord to give you His heart of forgiveness for the offender. Wait for this to happen. Please do not just forgive from your mind even though it is important that you choose to forgive. There are levels of forgiveness and you want to forgive from the deepest level you can; the deeper the forgiveness the deeper the healing. If you do not feel forgiveness from the heart you may need to start from the beginning again so you deal with other wrongs before your heart is in the right condition to forgive.

L. When you feel the forgiveness from the heart come, then go ahead and forgive the offender. It is best to go through each sin and forgive each one individually. You will probably feel a relief or a lifting of a weight when you are done with this!

M. Now you need to ask forgiveness from the offender for your unforgiveness! You have been holding this grudge in your heart against them, perhaps for decades, and you may not have even known it. Remember that it is wrong not to forgive someone when they hurt you. By asking forgiveness for not forgiving them you will have done your part to complete possible reconciliation in the memory.

N. At this point the memory may change. You and the offender might spontaneously embrace. Sometimes you will sense the offender express sorrow for what they did. Just let whatever happens happen!

O. You may sense Jesus ministering to you. Let Him take as much time as He wants. You can talk to Him if you want. If you don’t sense Him then you can ask Him to come and minister to you.

P. If there was a serious offense you should repeat this process at a later date to be sure you have dealt with everything. It is very common for healing to happen in layers. We might think we are done with forgiving someone, but later we sense that it is not finished.

The Shame Spiral – How Shame/Self Rejection Grows

1. We Have Standards of Good – Either from conscience or from society.
2. We Violate a Standard – Usually to avoid pain (physical or non-physical) or feel pleasure. Sometimes we just have a general awareness that we fall short of our standards. If someone violates us we might also feel like we have violated a standard, or at least feel devalued, such as in sexual abuse. Being violated can put us on this shame spiral.
3. We Feel Guilt
4. We Feel Shame – For example, embarrassment, dishonor, disgrace, or inadequacy.
5. We Feel Less Valued – By ourselves or by others.
6. We Let the Shame Stay Inside Us – We don’t process the shame in a healthy way.
7. We Come To Believe That We Are Less Valued
8. We Reject Ourselves – At least in part.
9. We Believe We Aren’t Worth Receiving Love or Friendship – From God or others.
10. We Build a Wall to Block Love or Friendship – This may be conscious or unconscious. Since we don’t believe we are worth receiving love we build a wall inside us to keep love from coming into us. If we were violated then we may also block love because we are afraid of getting hurt.
11. We Can’t Receive Love or Friendship – The wall we build actually works. Over time the wall can become stronger so that we find it hard to receive any love at all no matter how hard we try.
12. We May Keep Trying to Get Others to Value Us – Since we feel a love vacuum we may try harder to get people to love or value us. This can backfire because others may think of us as too needy or aggressive. Also, even if others do try to value us it will be difficult or impossible for us to receive it. And we might try everything to sense God’s love but still never be confident.
13. We May Find It Harder to Love Others Without Anxiety – When we try to love others we will come across as anxious. We fear we are not lovable or not good at befriending others, thus we feel anxious when we try to connect.
14. We Start On a Self-Destructive Downward Spiral – The overall spiral of shame, rejection, blocking others, loneliness, withering soul, and depression keeps repeating itself sending us on a downward spiral. Our depression makes us feel less valued and we start back at the beginning with shame.
15. We Can’t Experience Healthy Relationships – We come to the point that we are not able to have healthy life-giving relationships.
16. We May Avoid Relationships More – We might start giving up on trying to find relationships because of the pain we keep experiencing. People who are more extroverted might keep trying longer. Others might become angry or bitter and develop a general hostility towards people.
17. Our Soul Withers – We feel lifeless or hopeless and our deepest self feels like it’s shrinking.
18. We Feel Depressed, Anxious or Angry About Life In General
19. We Give Up On Relationships In General
20. We Find Unhealthy Ways to Make Us Feel Better – This can include food, drugs, possessions, excessive television, obsessiveness with sports, etc.
21. We Find Substitutes for Relationships – Such as fame, power, control, creating dependency, passive narcissism, accomplishments, etc.
22. Our Heart Loses the Health and Strength to Love Others – Destructive pleasures and relationship substitutes make our soul weaker and we begin to lose the ability to love others.
23. Shame And Self-Rejection Solidify Inside Us – They gain a stronger hold on us.
24. We Settle For a Mediocre or Unhappy Life
25. The Spiral Deepens
26. We May Get So Down We Don’t Take Care of Ourselves or Even Become Self-Harming
27. We May Think About Suicide or Even Commit Suicide

Basic Steps for Healing Shame

1. Read through scriptures about who you are in Christ. For example, Romans 1:7, 8:15, John 1:12, I Peter 2:9. I John 3:1. Take time to reflect on these verses, or better yet, memorize some of them. See the chapter in Section Four on our identity in Christ for more verses.
2. Recall the violation which is causing you shame or self-rejection. Then reflect on Romans 8:1 which teaches that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ. Reflect on I John 1:9 which teaches if we confess our sins God is faithful to forgive our sins. Tell God “I accept Your forgiveness for my sins and faults.”
3. Tell God and yourself your thoughts and feelings about your violation. Take your time. Let any emotions flow.
4. When you are ready, tell yourself that you “forgive” yourself and do not hold a grudge against yourself. Go slowly.
5. When you are ready, tell yourself that you accept yourself and you do not want to reject or split off part of yourself. You are ready to be a whole, integrated person. Ask God to make you whole according to His will.
6. Declare (to God and yourself and the world): “I break down all walls I have set up to block love and friendship. God, help me to do that.” Take time to let this become true inside you.
7. Declare (to God and yourself and the world): “I want to have healthy relationships. I am willing to take the risks I am able to take in order to do that. God, help me to do that.” Let this become a part of you and your will. (Remember that it is okay to go slow if you need to. Sometimes our heart can’t handle as much risk as we want it to. Be careful.)
8. Declare (to God and yourself and the world): “From now on I accept love and friendship from God and others. God help me to do that.” Take time to accept this, let it sink in.
9. Declare (to God and yourself and the world): “From now on I want to give love and friendship to God and others. God help me to do that.” Take time for this to become part of you.
10. Thank God. “Thank You for Your love and friendship, and thank You for making me Your child. I give You my shame and self-rejection and accept Your view of me as Your valuable child.”