Bruce and Tom (or Linda and Rachel) are spiritual friends and have edifying conversations on a regular basis. They encourage one another and each one feels stronger because of the friendship. Bruce starts to notice that Tom makes little joking putdowns of others in his conversations with people. Of course, this isn’t a cardinal sin but it is definitely not godly speech. What should Bruce do?
Being a spiritual friend to someone is a huge blessing, for you as well as them. Believers are recognizing they need spiritual help and so life coaching and spiritual direction are more popular now than in the past.
But how can we be a spiritual friend who actually makes a difference in someone’s life? How can we be God’s channel for transformation? One of the keys to being a good spiritual friend is saying the hard things that you don’t want to say.
In the example above, one strategy is that Bruce could continue to pray with Tom and silently pray that God reveals the issue to Tom, then wait until Tom brings it up. A second strategy is that he could be a little more bold and say “Tom, I’d like to pray together and ask the Lord to bring up anything he wants to deal with in us.” Then Bruce could hope the issue comes up, and if it doesn’t then he decides that Bruce isn’t ready to hear it yet.
A third strategy would be for Bruce to just ask Tom “Do you ever feel like you say things about people that aren’t kind?” If Tom isn’t aware of anything then Bruce could let it go for awhile and hope that his question will lead to some awareness later on. A fourth strategy is for Bruce to follow up his question with the comment “Bruce, I know you mean well for people and you really help people in your ministry, but I’m wondering if it is a good thing to make little joking putdowns of people.”
If we are truly being a spiritual friend then I don’t see how the first two strategies are scriptural. The idea of just waiting for someone to recognize their own sins and not saying anything about it until they mention it to you is not following the biblical advice to admonish one another. In Proverbs 27:6 we are instructed “faithful are the wounds of a friend.” (ESV) Thus, we cannot take the attitude that we should never offend or hurt our friend or someone we are coaching or giving spiritual counsel to. That is a secular cultural value, not a Christian one.
At the very least we should employ the third strategy and preferably the fourth.
Colossians 3:16 teaches believers to “let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom.” (ESV) The Greek word for
“admonish” means to urge or persuade someone to conform to God’s mind. This can also be translated as “warning” as in Col. 1:28 where Paul describes his ministry by saying “Him we proclaim, warning everyone and teaching everyone with all wisdom, that we may present everyone mature in Christ.” (ESV)
Therefore, shouldn’t we admonish our spiritual friend? We cannot just pray and hope that God will reveal it to them, that is very individualistic; where is the true community in that? We need each other to reveal our blind spots. Of course we have felt the sting of someone mentioning a blind spot but if we were wise we considered their comment and made a change in our life. And when it was done we were thankful that someone mentioned it to us. We cannot deprive our spiritual friends, those we coach, or those to whom we give spiritual direction, of the benefit of admonition.
Unfortunately, many books on coaching and spiritual direction avoid the idea of admonition. But usually the idea that “they need to discern it out for themselves” is just a rationalization for avoiding a painful conversation. This is more about us avoiding pain than about doing God’s will in the situation. Ultimately, it is rooted in the secular idea that everyone needs to discover their own truth, and spiritual counselors try to make this Christian by adding that the Holy Spirit needs to reveal it to them.
Instead, let us truly be a family that watches out for one another. If you are a spiritual friend then you are probably the best person to make a comment to admonish your friend. Who else will do it? Really it is all about love and becoming more like Jesus.
